How to Learn to Be Assertive
A practical & easy guide you can start using today
One of the most empowering things we can learn in life is how to be assertive. To speak our truth clearly and respectfully, to say yes when we mean yes, and to say no without guilt. If you weren’t taught how to do this growing up, you’re not alone. Assertiveness is a skill, not a personality trait. That means you can learn it, and you can practise it.
In my work as a CBT hypnotherapist, I often help people unpick the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are keeping them stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, avoidance or emotional suppression. The good news is, once you start to understand how assertiveness works on all these levels, you can begin to rewire your mind.
What Does an Assertive Person Feel?
Assertiveness is not aggression or dominance. Assertive people tend to feel:
Worthy, they believe their voice matters
Self-respecting, they feel they deserve to take up space
Calm and confident, they’re not pushing or proving anything
Safe to speak up, they trust that they can handle others’ reactions
Grounded, they don’t need to convince others, just express their truth
At ease, they’re not hyper-alert or anxious when communicating
How Does an Assertive Person Act?
You can usually recognise assertiveness by body language and tone. Assertive people often:
Stand tall with good posture
Move and walk with confidence, not rush or shrink
Keep a relaxed, open facial expression
Speak clearly, at a natural pace, and don’t over-explain
Make eye contact without staring
Pause comfortably before responding
Say “no” without lengthy justifications
Ask for what they need directly
They express themselves clearly, calmly and with a tone that’s firm but respectful.
What Do Assertive People Think?
The inner dialogue of an assertive person might sound like:
“It’s okay to speak my mind.”
“I can handle whatever comes.”
“I am worthy of respect.”
“I can say what I need to say.”
“I am confident and grounded.”
“I don’t need to convince anyone, I’m just being honest.”
“Saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.”
“I can be kind and clear at the same time.”
These kinds of thoughts create the inner foundation for calm, respectful communication. But here’s the thing,
Knowing All This Is Not Enough, You Have to Rehearse
Understanding assertiveness in theory doesn’t automatically make it feel natural. That’s because we learn best by doing, but that doesn’t mean throwing yourself into high-pressure situations before you’re ready.
So, how do you practise assertiveness in a way that feels safe?
Rehearsal through Self-Hypnosis and Visualisation
You can rehearse being assertive in your mind, which is exactly what I guide many of my clients to do. The brain doesn’t know the difference between a vividly imagined experience and a real one, so when you rehearse calm, clear, confident communication in your imagination, you’re building real neural pathways for it.
Here’s how to do it:
Step by Step Self-Hypnosis for Assertiveness
1. Choose a Small Scenario
Start with a low-stakes situation that makes you slightly uneasy, not a big one. Maybe asking for help at work, saying no to a small favour, or correcting someone gently.
2. Get Into a Relaxed State
You want your body to be calm before you begin. Try:
Box breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat a few rounds.
OR
Deep belly breathing: Inhale deeply into your belly for a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale slowly for 6. Repeat.
Then:
Body scan: Start at the top of your head, gently move your attention downward, softening each area as you go, face, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, belly, hips, legs, feet.
Don’t worry if your mind wanders. This is not about “clearing your mind”, i
t’s about relaxing the body.
3. Visualise the Scene in Stages
First round
Imagine yourself entering the situation feeling calm and confident. Just observe yourself moving through the moment. What do you see, hear, feel? You’re grounded, at ease, justified in speaking up.
Second round
Now bring in behaviour. See yourself standing tall, breathing steadily, speaking clearly, making eye contact, listening actively. Imagine your voice sounding natural and firm. Watch yourself acting assertively.
Third round
Now bring in the thoughts. As you go through the scene again, repeat affirming phrases in your mind:
“This is easy.”
“I can do this.”
“I am confident and kind.”
“It’s safe to speak my truth.”
“I trust myself.”
Each time you rehearse, you’re teaching your mind and body, this is normal, this is safe.
This whole process can take as little as 5 to 7 minutes.
Start Small, Build Up
Once you’ve rehearsed a small situation several times, you’ll notice it doesn’t feel as charged anymore. Then you’re ready to try it in real life. As you succeed with small things, your confidence grows, and you can move on to bigger situations.
Assertiveness isn’t about being fearless, it’s about building your self-trust and showing up for yourself, one situation at a time.
Other Helpful Tools for Building Assertiveness:
Journalling
Write out what you wish you’d said or want to say, then rework it in an assertive voice.
Practise aloud
Speak your assertive message out loud when you’re alone, to hear how it sounds.
Mirror work
Practise saying “no” or stating your needs in front of the mirror with kind confidence.
Boundaries work
Learn to recognise where you need limits, and practise reinforcing them gently.
CBT worksheets
Challenge beliefs like “I’ll upset people if I speak up” by looking for evidence for and against them.
Hypnotherapy
Working with a hypnotherapist, especially one trained in CBT-based methods, can be a powerful way to reprogramme unhelpful beliefs, build confidence and rehearse assertiveness at the subconscious level. A skilled practitioner can guide you through inner rehearsal, belief transformation and emotional release, helping you fast-track your progress in a safe and supported space.
You don’t have to become someone else to be assertive. You just need to become more you, the version of you that knows your worth, honours your truth and expresses yourself with confidence and care.